Hard lessons learned by a friend
So a friend of mine took God seriously when he says we can find him among the poor, the hurting, the downtrodden (and not so much among rich suburban folks). So after experiencing Him in South Africa with some of us, she decided she wanted more. Good. She spent last summer in the Sudan serving as a Guidance Counselor for high school kids in one of the largest refugee camps in Darfur, and it fundamentally changed her. Not so much the experience, as the God she grew intimately in love with while hanging out with the least of these. He's a romancer, that God of ours.
So she came back to the US, and decided she'd like some more of this life. She raised some money over the next few months, and in January she went back. For a year. I saw her about a week before she left, and she had such tremendous peace at her decision, I couldn't help but marvel at her love of the Father, and her willingness to run after Him. Hard.
So I got an update from her this morning...it was a long one, and it really messed with me. In case any of you think I'm some sort of idealist, thinking all is perfect and buttoned up in relationship with our Lord, let me make it clear. It is not. It is messy, and hard, and breaking, and I've only had a taste. My friend is experiencing it at a whole different level. So below is an excerpt from one of her emails. It is so good, in such a different way than we hear it here in America. Nope, not about our plans succeeding. Nope, not about God "blessing" us with promotions or possessions. She's just in relationship with her Dad, and he's teaching her good stuff. I know I'm learning from her. Enjoy...
JADA AND MARIO
Even in this fund-raising /scholarship process though, im learning really hard and unexpected lessons. For those of you who remember Jada and Marios stories from last summer, i have quite the update for you; and quite a lesson from God that i wasnt anticipating. so i return to sudan, proud and with a great feeling of divine accomplishment. I spent the first few days combing the crowds and searching vigorously for the faces of my two closests students Jada and Mario. And then one day in the market, i looked up and there was Mario, he had already spotted me out and was smiling with and even more beautiful smile than i remembered. i caught my breath and then hugged him tightly. the importance of who this was, all struck me at once as i realized the months and months i had spent retelling this boys story to churches, and families, and more. i held his face in my hands and stared into his eyes, and then i wept. i cried tears of joy like i dont think ive ever cried before, and he buried his head in my shoulder. After getting the "drama" out of my system, i was able to greet Jada with nothing but smiles and excitement when i finally saw him days later. we sat and caught up, and i shared the good news of the results we had brought them form america--- and then they dropped the bomb. And i felt like everything i had worked for the past 5 months- everything that to me i had been fighting for-- lie within those two boys eyes. and all that inspiration was shattered in those next few moments. Both Jada and Mario, were about to be Repatriated. Repatriation is basically the process by which displaced persons and refugees are taken back to the place where they lived before the war/displacement occured. in other words, Jada and Mario- were leaving. in fact, the place they were being taken back to, was one of the LRA's army barracks during the war that changed their lives. my heart broke on the ground into a million pieces thinking of Jada, who just a few short years ago had been shot by the LRA, and that he would have to sleep on the same soil where they trained young boys to kill; my boys would have to build a life in the smae places where blood was spilled by a rebel army, all for the purpose of tearing lives apart.
Two thursdays ago, i watched a train of UN trucks shipping 500 families back to their homeland. and in one of those trucks was Mario and Jada. and as i stood by the roadside and waved goodbye to them, my heart was left broken, angry and confused; the two boys whose stories had stolen the tears of so many of you, who were then moved to give, --- the two boys who i was doing all of this for, more than any of the other kids--- were gone.
and somehow, in that same mix of emotions, there was room for me to feel a sort of confusing comfort. my initial reaction to the news of their leaving was to feel that i had failed to hear Gods direction clearly; or that i had even just made up this whole sponsorship idea in my own mind and that God hadnt even suggested it- that i had fallen into the american tendency to think that money will solve everthing- and i felt a shame in feeling that i had not only fooled myself, but that i had fooled every single person who donated- into thinking that this was Gods desire. CLEARLY IT COULDNT BE IF THINGS WERE FALLING APART LIKE THIS! and then Jesus held me in his comforting arms, and just spoke to me that sometimes God moves or breaks something in our spirit, and leads us to do something that IS of Gods will---but that doesnt mean that we will know or properly understand the reasons he holds for us doing those good deeds. and though my inspiration had seemed to proved to be for not, Gods vastness and room for goodness to still be done, is unimaginable.
So like i said, im in the midst of learning this lesson. and i dont understand all of it. but what i do know is that i find comfort and peace in knowing that the same way i looked adoringly into the yes of Jada and Mario, the way that i took their heartbreaking stories with me everywhere i ewnt, and fought for a way to make things better for them,---that is the exact way that God looks into the eyes of every single kid here. and because of this journey he took us on to find them help, 115 of those prescious kids will get to have a year of education that otherwise would be impossible. and as far as Jada and Mario, God has their steps ordered, and i have to rejoice in knowing tht God doesnt need me or any program of mine to do good things in their lives. and in a way---by taking them from me---he freed me. freed me to give room to learn what it means to trust in him. and as i stood by that roadside watching them pull away, i heard his whisper saying, "Sophie, i am faithfull to keep everything you entrust to me."
and he is.
till next time, sophie b.
So she came back to the US, and decided she'd like some more of this life. She raised some money over the next few months, and in January she went back. For a year. I saw her about a week before she left, and she had such tremendous peace at her decision, I couldn't help but marvel at her love of the Father, and her willingness to run after Him. Hard.
So I got an update from her this morning...it was a long one, and it really messed with me. In case any of you think I'm some sort of idealist, thinking all is perfect and buttoned up in relationship with our Lord, let me make it clear. It is not. It is messy, and hard, and breaking, and I've only had a taste. My friend is experiencing it at a whole different level. So below is an excerpt from one of her emails. It is so good, in such a different way than we hear it here in America. Nope, not about our plans succeeding. Nope, not about God "blessing" us with promotions or possessions. She's just in relationship with her Dad, and he's teaching her good stuff. I know I'm learning from her. Enjoy...
JADA AND MARIO
Even in this fund-raising /scholarship process though, im learning really hard and unexpected lessons. For those of you who remember Jada and Marios stories from last summer, i have quite the update for you; and quite a lesson from God that i wasnt anticipating. so i return to sudan, proud and with a great feeling of divine accomplishment. I spent the first few days combing the crowds and searching vigorously for the faces of my two closests students Jada and Mario. And then one day in the market, i looked up and there was Mario, he had already spotted me out and was smiling with and even more beautiful smile than i remembered. i caught my breath and then hugged him tightly. the importance of who this was, all struck me at once as i realized the months and months i had spent retelling this boys story to churches, and families, and more. i held his face in my hands and stared into his eyes, and then i wept. i cried tears of joy like i dont think ive ever cried before, and he buried his head in my shoulder. After getting the "drama" out of my system, i was able to greet Jada with nothing but smiles and excitement when i finally saw him days later. we sat and caught up, and i shared the good news of the results we had brought them form america--- and then they dropped the bomb. And i felt like everything i had worked for the past 5 months- everything that to me i had been fighting for-- lie within those two boys eyes. and all that inspiration was shattered in those next few moments. Both Jada and Mario, were about to be Repatriated. Repatriation is basically the process by which displaced persons and refugees are taken back to the place where they lived before the war/displacement occured. in other words, Jada and Mario- were leaving. in fact, the place they were being taken back to, was one of the LRA's army barracks during the war that changed their lives. my heart broke on the ground into a million pieces thinking of Jada, who just a few short years ago had been shot by the LRA, and that he would have to sleep on the same soil where they trained young boys to kill; my boys would have to build a life in the smae places where blood was spilled by a rebel army, all for the purpose of tearing lives apart.
Two thursdays ago, i watched a train of UN trucks shipping 500 families back to their homeland. and in one of those trucks was Mario and Jada. and as i stood by the roadside and waved goodbye to them, my heart was left broken, angry and confused; the two boys whose stories had stolen the tears of so many of you, who were then moved to give, --- the two boys who i was doing all of this for, more than any of the other kids--- were gone.
and somehow, in that same mix of emotions, there was room for me to feel a sort of confusing comfort. my initial reaction to the news of their leaving was to feel that i had failed to hear Gods direction clearly; or that i had even just made up this whole sponsorship idea in my own mind and that God hadnt even suggested it- that i had fallen into the american tendency to think that money will solve everthing- and i felt a shame in feeling that i had not only fooled myself, but that i had fooled every single person who donated- into thinking that this was Gods desire. CLEARLY IT COULDNT BE IF THINGS WERE FALLING APART LIKE THIS! and then Jesus held me in his comforting arms, and just spoke to me that sometimes God moves or breaks something in our spirit, and leads us to do something that IS of Gods will---but that doesnt mean that we will know or properly understand the reasons he holds for us doing those good deeds. and though my inspiration had seemed to proved to be for not, Gods vastness and room for goodness to still be done, is unimaginable.
So like i said, im in the midst of learning this lesson. and i dont understand all of it. but what i do know is that i find comfort and peace in knowing that the same way i looked adoringly into the yes of Jada and Mario, the way that i took their heartbreaking stories with me everywhere i ewnt, and fought for a way to make things better for them,---that is the exact way that God looks into the eyes of every single kid here. and because of this journey he took us on to find them help, 115 of those prescious kids will get to have a year of education that otherwise would be impossible. and as far as Jada and Mario, God has their steps ordered, and i have to rejoice in knowing tht God doesnt need me or any program of mine to do good things in their lives. and in a way---by taking them from me---he freed me. freed me to give room to learn what it means to trust in him. and as i stood by that roadside watching them pull away, i heard his whisper saying, "Sophie, i am faithfull to keep everything you entrust to me."
and he is.
till next time, sophie b.
Labels: sophie. God, Sudan
February 12, 2008 at 11:21 AM
this is delightful - and while i do not know sophie, she has encouraged my faith in God, who is bigger than my natural eyes can see top
February 12, 2008 at 7:46 PM
Andrew,
A touching and poiniant story. Clearly Sophie is dedicated to those kids, and to her humanitarian good works. I salute her.
What I'm about to say may be viewed as "breaking the spell" of that heartfelt event. But such is the nature of realists. Thus, Shane should probably stop reading this comment HERE.
With all due respect,I can't help but wonder: what were Sophie's expectations for those boys, and why? Was she unaware if the political, economic, cultural, and tribal implications of the region? Did she not realize that their status as refugees was an interium step in their ultimate repatriation?
Did she somehow convince herself that she was chosen, or that the kids were chosen, to be somehow above and beyond the dictates of those real world drivers of politics, economics, culture, et al? What would lead her to think that ... to be so erroneously convinced... as to ultimately attribute the natural outcome to some higher power's better knowledge of how things should be?
That she was able to find comfort in her faith and justification for the dissapointment or saddness (that she set herself up for)is good. But, to attribute her evidently unanticipated, but the all too obvious inevitable outcome, to the intervention of a supreme being sounds like denial of her lack of political awareness, or self delusion.
Hump top
February 12, 2008 at 8:25 PM
nope, she actually knew the situation quite well. many of those kids can spend up to 12 years in refugee camps (or more). in these kids case -- more than enough time to complete the schooling that she raised money for. top
February 12, 2008 at 8:57 PM
Rachel,
Ah, ok..thanks.
Then her mission was accomplished. She contributed to those kids lives, and continues to do the same for others.
Perhaps I was confused, especially by this sentence:
"God has their steps ordered, and i have to rejoice in knowing tht God doesnt need me or any program of mine to do good things in their lives. and in a way---by taking them from me---he freed me."
One could read that as God having determined that the kids be repatriated. That it wasn't natural and predictable, a man made inevitable result of the political situation.
Am I also wrong in reading in that sentence the diminution of the value of Sophie and her good works since God has predetermined those two kid's lot in life?
If i am misreading on both counts, then perhaps you could help me understand where the conflict is, the self searching, the second guessing, that Sophie seems to be so passionately expressing.
Hump top
February 12, 2008 at 9:08 PM
rachel, sorry...PS:
does this soundlike the words of someone who knew the inevitable result?
"... my initial reaction to the news of their leaving was to feel that i had failed to hear Gods direction clearly; or that i had even just made up this whole sponsorship idea in my own mind and that God hadnt even suggested it-"
How could she feel she failed in her mission, because the boys were leaving, if she knew all along this was the expected result?
You understand my confusion.
Hump top
February 13, 2008 at 1:56 PM
rachel - you shouldknow by now that you have to wrap your comments up nice and tight so that Drome can understand - leave no stone unturned, lest you be called on the carpet
He does not do well if he can not understand everything, so overanalyze and clarify for him, lest we all see several comments asking for those things top
February 13, 2008 at 3:58 PM
Shane,
Ah, yes. Questioning & inquiry offends /threatens you, hence the sarcastic attack, again. One can only wonder what drives that. Oh well.
Quite right. I don't give a reading a cursory scan. I read and absorb it. And unlike some who simply respond by oozing a hackneyed religious platitude for self aggrandization, even if it's contextually misplaced, I actually try and understand the thought process and driver behind the author's message and apparent contradictions.
That some don't see those contradictions,or prefer not to acknowledge them is simply a difference in degree of mental acquity and curiosity.
My studied assessment is if one is bothered by,condemns, or fears analysis and questioning then their intellect is stunted, or they fear that their preset notions are at risk. In any case, their potential as thinking and productive people is severely curtailed.
My questions vis-a-vis Sophie's email remain valid, whether they are answered or not.
Hump top
February 13, 2008 at 5:00 PM
keep on thinking that, if it makes you feel better
absorb it all, chew it up, and spit it back top
February 13, 2008 at 6:23 PM
I come here for an exchange of ideas, deeper understanding, and converstion. I won't insult and demean this blog with further response to the personal attacks, animosity and ill will that you extend to one of Andrew's readers.
How you reconcile your behavior toward me with the tenets of your professed faith, is yours to deal with. I'll just turn the other cheek. top
February 13, 2008 at 8:46 PM
sounds good - you have certainly chosen the high road top